I'm having troubles deciding whats LJ appropriate and whats Blogger appropriate. I always figured I'd write the more important, deeper, emotional aspects of my life here and keep the light hearted, things I don't care to remember stuff in my livejournal. But what happens when you want to write about something that you'd rather not remember. Hmmm. I want to get it out, and fewer people read this here blog, so here is where I shall write it.

Getting back in the swing of Maui planning brought me back to thinking about Joelle, as well as having to see her last weekend for Greggs birthday. Everyone knows I'm not a fan of Joelle, that doesn't come as a surprise. Everyone knows my opinions of her. What it comes do to is that she's a person I don't want in my life. I made this decision once and for all after the Maui debacle. I decided I was done playing nice. There were so many things I wanted to do, things I wanted to say, I wanted to tell her every little bit of what I thought about her. I even came as close as writing her an email in response to a blog she posted publicly about her thoughts on me. I decided not to send it. I haven't said one thing to her, posted one bad thing about her, or even "trash-talked" her. When it comes down to it, she's just not a person I want in my life.

Lately, as Joelle has seemed to reamerge, not much, but some nontheless - I know I'm being looked down upon by her, and maybe some others for not keeping the peace. I even read in her livejournal in preperation for Greggs birthday party that she was going to face "conflict".

Theres a difference between hating someone, being mean and hurtful towards someone and wanting to rid your life of something negative. I hope she has a great life, I just don't want to be a part of it, I don't want to hear about and I don't want to be made out to be a bad person by not accepting her back into my life.

I'm very protective of my friends. I don't like drama, as much as I've been either a part of it, or the cause of it, I'd really like to stay away from it. I don't like seeing my friends hurt, or manipulated. I love my group of friends. I don't want that tarnished by someone who has hurt or lied to multiple people. I don't feel I'm out of line for not wanting her to reenter this group, none of which, are all that welcoming to her. A lot of people put a warm friendly face on when she's around or they IM her, but it's mainly to keep the peace. Since she's been out, the drama level has been drastically reduced - and it's been nice. I've been able to connect with my friends more than before, I haven't had to walk on eggshells, and it's just been nice.

So, in conclusion, I know I was the better person through the falling out after Maui, and I'm not going to let her make me feel like a bad person for not being welcoming in her presence. I'm not playing that game, and I'm not letting her back in. Why? Because my life is better now.

Ugggh....I just want to scream and cry right now.

Why must peoples perception of your identity change when you start dating someone. I'm still my own person. I'm still the person I was before. So why does everyone treat me so much differently.

I'm so frustrated with the fact that no one seems to "get" me anymore.

Would it be easier if I just became the person people think I am?