Scale Adventure and Disappointment

I went and bought a scale at Target yesterday after my Dentist appt. It's a fancy Weight Watchers scale they had that not only weighs you but gives you your body fat in lbs and %, body water lbs, bone mass, and your BMI. Needless to say, I was not too happy to see what the scale had in store for me. 151. Only 10 lbs away from what I weighed when I started Weight Watchers back in 2006. 20 lbs above my lowest weight. Shame on me.

I wrote down all my stats and I will keep track of them each week while I'm on this journey.

Even with this discovery, I probably didn't eat as well as I could have. I wanted a snack so I had some popcorn, but realized I was just too hungry and I should just eat dinner. I knew Pasta is bad, but I had leftovers and didn't want it to go to waste. The good and bad thing about it was that there wasn't much of it, leaving me terribly hungry two hours later. I ended up having a hot dog and my weight watchers ice cream. All in all I probably didn't do too bad, but it certainly wasn't great.

Today is a new day, and here is what I've packed for breakfast and lunch.
Breakfast included a Western Bagel Alternative Bagel and Weight Watchers Cream Cheese, with a side of blueberries for a total points value of 4.
Lunch is again a sandwich for 4 points, a pickle for 0 points, and an 100 calorie Cheez-its pack for 2 points. So whats that...10 points, leaving 11 for dinner. Thats a good amount for dinner.

Josh weighed himself too and he's 173. He didn't know how to do all his stats, so I'll do that with him tonight. His body fat will be like 7lbs, lol. Skinny bastard ;)

I know if I really watch what I eat, I could have that normal first week loss which tends to be big...4lbs. I'm going to Disneyland on Saturday and that could be bad for diets but I can do it. We shouldn't spend the money buying food there anyway, so I'm sure we'll pack something.

Back to Blogger

I am back, and this time perhaps for a different reason. Following Kathy's lead, I'm going to use this to be held accountable to weight loss.

I've gone up and down with my weight for the past couple years, and as with most holidays I'm certainly on an upswing. So, I'll track my weight loss and healthy eating here in this journal and hopefully be inspired and motivated for anyone that might stumble across this blog.

So, here it goes.

I haven't weight myself recently. I assume I'm between 145-150 right now. I would like to be at 130-135.

As far as food goes, here is what I've eaten today. I will be trying to follow the Weight Watchers points to the best of my ability, as that is what I know and what has worked.

Breakfast: Weight Watchers Blueberry Muffin - 3 pts.
Lunch: Sandwich: Bread - 1pt, Mayo - 1pt, Meat - 2pt, Cheese - 1pt
Pickles - 0pt!
Blackberries/Blueberrys - 1pt
100 Calorie Pack Cookies - 2pt

So, I've used 11 points, leaving me with 10 points for dinner. Not too bad.
I'm actually craving a Grilled Cheese and Soup for dinner, which is a ridiculously low point meal.

Half way through day 1, and so far, successful!
Thank god the Holidays are OVER!

My last few entries have been really depressing, lol. It's true that I haven't been happy in my friend situation, but thats not the only thing going on in my life. I have an amazing boyfriend that I love like crazy. Every morning I wake up next to him and we immediately start having a good time (not like that), but just laughing and joking around with eachother, and I get to see him pout when I leave for work. It's a lot of fun. It's nice being able to look forward to coming home because I know he'll be there.

Maui is now 2 weeks away, and I'm so looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to leaving everything here behind, forgetting about financial worries, work, weight, EVERYTHING, and just enjoying the short vacation with my friends. I don't mind all the obstacles it took to get there, because it will just make it that much more deserving.

A couple good things in the horizon besides Maui:
-I might be getting $6,000 from the lawsuit against VW. That, my friends, will be just enough to pay off my car. I'll keep it until I have the babies and need a more mommy-friendly car, like a minivan. Wooo. Or a sporty hip SUV - or the ever all accomodating Camry. Josh said he wouldn't let me drive our babies around in my car.
-I had found out that my parents had decided to claim me as a dependent because it helped them. Unfortunately, it hurt me in the fact that I wouldn't get the same return, and I wouldn't be receiving the $600 rebate. However, I found out yesterday that my parents will be giving me what I would have gotten, which, folks, comes to $1,000.
-Thirdly, I have a picture of Josh in a dress that I intend on getting printed and showing to his Mother. She'll be proud.

So, things aren't completely bad as I might have made them sound. I am sad, and maybe disappointed in some ways that the group I've come to depend on so much is breaking apart and making me feel stranded. But I know I'll always have my friends, just not in the same ways as before, and I'll always have Josh.

Having to deal with the whole Maui/ATA debacle yesterday made me temporarily forget what I've been so down about lately. When the whole thing was over and resolved I was almost caught off guard that I was still down. It seemed to emphasize and clarify the reason why. But, really, and I've said this before - nothings going to change. I'm just different. But being different means being lonely. Maybe I need to reach out to others more like me instead of sitting here complaining about it. But that means giving up on the past, the past that I'd like so dearly to continue having. I'm trying to hold on, fighting it, but that fight is only causing me to lose my grip even more. It's odd. When something moves closer, the distance grows. Oh life. You really do suck sometimes.

I've been increasingly more emotional. I get insanely sad at the amount Josh works. Sure, I see him in the evenings, but I deeply miss spending quality time with him. Hopefully I just miss him - and I'm not suffering from any types of crazy hormonal balance.

Maui is coming up. Fast. 3 weeks from Wednesday we'll be there, and there are a lot of things to do in preparation. And Money that needs to be spent. Ugh. Why. I'm so broke already. But I know it'll all be worth it. It really is going to be the trip of the lifetime - and the memories will last forever.

I feel like I actually had a point to writing in here, but I have to go answer phones for the rest of the day. So, my friends, this is it.

Changing Dynamics

It's a difficult choice to make when you decide that you're going to stop change. I don't know if its a sense of giving up on something you've fought against for so long, or just realizing that things will never be the same as they once were.

In the past year I've noticed a huge shift in the dynamic of the group. The hangouts aren't the same, and it seems the group is breaking up into smaller pieces. Everyonce in awhile, we'll all get together - but its becoming few and far between. Is this just part of growing up? Is it forbidden to get together with 8 of your closest friends to play a dumb board game when you are in your mid to late twenties. If this is the case, will friends cease to exist once we hit our thirties. If so, I whole heartedly am depressed.

Maybe I'm too dependent, but friends are my life. The people I surround myself with is what makes me who I am, is the definition of my character. That's not to say I'm not my own person, but my friends and the people I love is what makes this life meaningful.

So seeing this separation and distancing happening with those that were once a tight knit group, makes my life seem a lot less stable and perhaps a bit unnerving. But this may be a change that is beyond my control. People are changing, and they are changing in a way that leaves less time for friends, and in some cases, they are changing in a way that forces me to relinquish some of that closeness I once felt with them. We all change - and change is a great and mysterious part of life, but its hard seeing change that is harmful. It's hard seeing change that results in you becoming an outsider. This is what I'm referring to mostly when I say that this is change I am no longer going to fight against.

I will stick by my convictions, be the person I am and not partake in an activity just to fit in. That's not me. Thats not how I want to be viewed. I've worked too hard for too long to become one in my own, and I'm not going to give that up now.

So for now I can only hope that my friends come around, that this separation that has happened will soon cease to exist and this might, someday, be liked they used to be. When life is simple.

But maybe life isn't meant to be simple any longer. Only time will tell.

Today has kinda sucked. First I was bummed that Josh has no day off. He just left to get to his shoot at 4:30 in Glendale. We had talked about doing something in the morning, because his night was taken. I thought about maybe going to this sandwich place in Burbank, and while im not going to get into it, it led to a huge fight. I cried...ALOT. Things are ok now, but its never nice having a fight like that. I believe this is #2 in the 7 months we've been dating. Thats probably 2 fights too many, but I can't complain about it. For some reason, all fights tend to be about stupid things.

Sucky part #2, I've acquired a pain in my knee. A very bad one. It hurts when I bend it, and I have absolutely no recollection of hurting it. How pains can come out of no where I'm not sure. And it makes me feel like a dumb.

So today has not been one of my best. I feel like a dumb for having a fight about lunch, and for my knee pain. I'm very frustrated at a lot of things and I'm trying to let them not get to me, or make them into a bigger issue. I'm not a huge fan of what I see going on around me, but I know if I just ride the wave, things will work their way back into place.

I was gonna watch License to Wed, but that will have to wait for another day.