My last few entries have been really depressing, lol. It's true that I haven't been happy in my friend situation, but thats not the only thing going on in my life. I have an amazing boyfriend that I love like crazy. Every morning I wake up next to him and we immediately start having a good time (not like that), but just laughing and joking around with eachother, and I get to see him pout when I leave for work. It's a lot of fun. It's nice being able to look forward to coming home because I know he'll be there.

Maui is now 2 weeks away, and I'm so looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to leaving everything here behind, forgetting about financial worries, work, weight, EVERYTHING, and just enjoying the short vacation with my friends. I don't mind all the obstacles it took to get there, because it will just make it that much more deserving.

A couple good things in the horizon besides Maui:
-I might be getting $6,000 from the lawsuit against VW. That, my friends, will be just enough to pay off my car. I'll keep it until I have the babies and need a more mommy-friendly car, like a minivan. Wooo. Or a sporty hip SUV - or the ever all accomodating Camry. Josh said he wouldn't let me drive our babies around in my car.
-I had found out that my parents had decided to claim me as a dependent because it helped them. Unfortunately, it hurt me in the fact that I wouldn't get the same return, and I wouldn't be receiving the $600 rebate. However, I found out yesterday that my parents will be giving me what I would have gotten, which, folks, comes to $1,000.
-Thirdly, I have a picture of Josh in a dress that I intend on getting printed and showing to his Mother. She'll be proud.

So, things aren't completely bad as I might have made them sound. I am sad, and maybe disappointed in some ways that the group I've come to depend on so much is breaking apart and making me feel stranded. But I know I'll always have my friends, just not in the same ways as before, and I'll always have Josh.

Having to deal with the whole Maui/ATA debacle yesterday made me temporarily forget what I've been so down about lately. When the whole thing was over and resolved I was almost caught off guard that I was still down. It seemed to emphasize and clarify the reason why. But, really, and I've said this before - nothings going to change. I'm just different. But being different means being lonely. Maybe I need to reach out to others more like me instead of sitting here complaining about it. But that means giving up on the past, the past that I'd like so dearly to continue having. I'm trying to hold on, fighting it, but that fight is only causing me to lose my grip even more. It's odd. When something moves closer, the distance grows. Oh life. You really do suck sometimes.

I've been increasingly more emotional. I get insanely sad at the amount Josh works. Sure, I see him in the evenings, but I deeply miss spending quality time with him. Hopefully I just miss him - and I'm not suffering from any types of crazy hormonal balance.

Maui is coming up. Fast. 3 weeks from Wednesday we'll be there, and there are a lot of things to do in preparation. And Money that needs to be spent. Ugh. Why. I'm so broke already. But I know it'll all be worth it. It really is going to be the trip of the lifetime - and the memories will last forever.

I feel like I actually had a point to writing in here, but I have to go answer phones for the rest of the day. So, my friends, this is it.

Changing Dynamics

It's a difficult choice to make when you decide that you're going to stop change. I don't know if its a sense of giving up on something you've fought against for so long, or just realizing that things will never be the same as they once were.

In the past year I've noticed a huge shift in the dynamic of the group. The hangouts aren't the same, and it seems the group is breaking up into smaller pieces. Everyonce in awhile, we'll all get together - but its becoming few and far between. Is this just part of growing up? Is it forbidden to get together with 8 of your closest friends to play a dumb board game when you are in your mid to late twenties. If this is the case, will friends cease to exist once we hit our thirties. If so, I whole heartedly am depressed.

Maybe I'm too dependent, but friends are my life. The people I surround myself with is what makes me who I am, is the definition of my character. That's not to say I'm not my own person, but my friends and the people I love is what makes this life meaningful.

So seeing this separation and distancing happening with those that were once a tight knit group, makes my life seem a lot less stable and perhaps a bit unnerving. But this may be a change that is beyond my control. People are changing, and they are changing in a way that leaves less time for friends, and in some cases, they are changing in a way that forces me to relinquish some of that closeness I once felt with them. We all change - and change is a great and mysterious part of life, but its hard seeing change that is harmful. It's hard seeing change that results in you becoming an outsider. This is what I'm referring to mostly when I say that this is change I am no longer going to fight against.

I will stick by my convictions, be the person I am and not partake in an activity just to fit in. That's not me. Thats not how I want to be viewed. I've worked too hard for too long to become one in my own, and I'm not going to give that up now.

So for now I can only hope that my friends come around, that this separation that has happened will soon cease to exist and this might, someday, be liked they used to be. When life is simple.

But maybe life isn't meant to be simple any longer. Only time will tell.

Today has kinda sucked. First I was bummed that Josh has no day off. He just left to get to his shoot at 4:30 in Glendale. We had talked about doing something in the morning, because his night was taken. I thought about maybe going to this sandwich place in Burbank, and while im not going to get into it, it led to a huge fight. I cried...ALOT. Things are ok now, but its never nice having a fight like that. I believe this is #2 in the 7 months we've been dating. Thats probably 2 fights too many, but I can't complain about it. For some reason, all fights tend to be about stupid things.

Sucky part #2, I've acquired a pain in my knee. A very bad one. It hurts when I bend it, and I have absolutely no recollection of hurting it. How pains can come out of no where I'm not sure. And it makes me feel like a dumb.

So today has not been one of my best. I feel like a dumb for having a fight about lunch, and for my knee pain. I'm very frustrated at a lot of things and I'm trying to let them not get to me, or make them into a bigger issue. I'm not a huge fan of what I see going on around me, but I know if I just ride the wave, things will work their way back into place.

I was gonna watch License to Wed, but that will have to wait for another day.

I'm having troubles deciding whats LJ appropriate and whats Blogger appropriate. I always figured I'd write the more important, deeper, emotional aspects of my life here and keep the light hearted, things I don't care to remember stuff in my livejournal. But what happens when you want to write about something that you'd rather not remember. Hmmm. I want to get it out, and fewer people read this here blog, so here is where I shall write it.

Getting back in the swing of Maui planning brought me back to thinking about Joelle, as well as having to see her last weekend for Greggs birthday. Everyone knows I'm not a fan of Joelle, that doesn't come as a surprise. Everyone knows my opinions of her. What it comes do to is that she's a person I don't want in my life. I made this decision once and for all after the Maui debacle. I decided I was done playing nice. There were so many things I wanted to do, things I wanted to say, I wanted to tell her every little bit of what I thought about her. I even came as close as writing her an email in response to a blog she posted publicly about her thoughts on me. I decided not to send it. I haven't said one thing to her, posted one bad thing about her, or even "trash-talked" her. When it comes down to it, she's just not a person I want in my life.

Lately, as Joelle has seemed to reamerge, not much, but some nontheless - I know I'm being looked down upon by her, and maybe some others for not keeping the peace. I even read in her livejournal in preperation for Greggs birthday party that she was going to face "conflict".

Theres a difference between hating someone, being mean and hurtful towards someone and wanting to rid your life of something negative. I hope she has a great life, I just don't want to be a part of it, I don't want to hear about and I don't want to be made out to be a bad person by not accepting her back into my life.

I'm very protective of my friends. I don't like drama, as much as I've been either a part of it, or the cause of it, I'd really like to stay away from it. I don't like seeing my friends hurt, or manipulated. I love my group of friends. I don't want that tarnished by someone who has hurt or lied to multiple people. I don't feel I'm out of line for not wanting her to reenter this group, none of which, are all that welcoming to her. A lot of people put a warm friendly face on when she's around or they IM her, but it's mainly to keep the peace. Since she's been out, the drama level has been drastically reduced - and it's been nice. I've been able to connect with my friends more than before, I haven't had to walk on eggshells, and it's just been nice.

So, in conclusion, I know I was the better person through the falling out after Maui, and I'm not going to let her make me feel like a bad person for not being welcoming in her presence. I'm not playing that game, and I'm not letting her back in. Why? Because my life is better now.

Ugggh....I just want to scream and cry right now.

Why must peoples perception of your identity change when you start dating someone. I'm still my own person. I'm still the person I was before. So why does everyone treat me so much differently.

I'm so frustrated with the fact that no one seems to "get" me anymore.

Would it be easier if I just became the person people think I am?